I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
