The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
The air taste purple.
Randomize
