There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
