i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
