be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Redeem this text for a blowjob
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
