Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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