Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
