I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
its liver damage thursday
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
