wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just invented taco cereal.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
