May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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