They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
