If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
