Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
