hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
