tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
