so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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