home. puking in laundry basket.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
