Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
