Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
