How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
