My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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