Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
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I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
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so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.