i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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