When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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