i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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