I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
