Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
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