Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
