My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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