my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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