i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
