Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
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I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
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He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.