My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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