Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
