why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
