Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
organizing the empties. That sober.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
