I haven't been this sober since birth.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
