"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
