Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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