So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
