I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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