I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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