dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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