Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
