i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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