dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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