There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
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The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
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And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
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