So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
