Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
