i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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