Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
