I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
