I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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