I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
