I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Randomize
