me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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