He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize