I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
